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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The second time...

Orang kata, pengalaman mematangkan pemikiran. Tapi x de sapa pun bgtau yg walau berapa banyak pun pengalaman yg ada, rasa sakit and sedih tu sama je.... tak berkurang...cuma mungkin sbb semakin matang, dapat diterima juga walau masih diiring dengan esak dan tangis.

I went for blood test yesterday and it came back negative.

This time around, lepas dpt the phone call, i just sit down. Hubby was sitting next to me. And when he asked i just said x pregnant, embryo tak lekat. Then i senyap. Everything sinked in. I was trying to control my emotion. Little by little, my tears start turun. All this while i x ckp sepatah pun. Cuma nafas turun naik menahan tangis. Until my hubby hug me, baru lah i meraung. Oh God... tewas jugak i ngan my emotion. My hubby said its ok, rezeki Allah yg tentukan... Bukan rezeki kita kali ni. I just cry and cry and cry.

But this time around, i don't need 2 hours before i stop crying. Entah... setengah jam je kot. Lps nangis mcm org gila tu, i dah boleh control myself. Semakin tenang and dah boleh berfikir rasional. I asked my hubby does he want to try again? He said, up to me. If i want to, we can try again.

All the while i was crying, i forgot to think how does he feel. He must be devastated too. Yet, he is still composed and comforting me... He is indeed my rock. I don't know what would i do without him. Thank you abang... for being such understanding hubby, for being my strength, when i don't have any left. Kadang tu i pikir, kesiannya my hubby dpt wife yg x bleh bear children for him. I tempted to say i'm sorry to him. The guilt is eating me. Then he said to me he love me. And all the doubt is gone. I know how lucky i'm to have such a hubby. Thank you Allah...

Today, i'm getting better. Cuma lps solat n masa berdoa je i nangis... hoping there would be miracle from Allah, and hoping He would answer our prayers. I still keep on progesterone support until nxt blood test to confirm the negative beta. And my hubby still pampered me like i'm still carying his precious emby. I still treat myself like i'm a preggy lady. There is still hope, eventhough hanya sebesar lubang jarum. I know Allah Hears our prayers. And He has a Grand plan for me. I just hope i know what it is...

We are still in the game. Until it is totally over. In the meantime all I can do is pray and pray harder. Its all in His hand now... Oh Allah, grant us a little miracle...Amin.

34 comments:

  1. Sweet tooth it all seems too soon... Is it time for beta already? Please hang in there. There is still hope. I'm glad you have a strong partner by your side to hold you up. I'm sending you a big hug and will continue to pray for you.

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    1. N, i hope the test was too soon. Tq for your kind words. I'm not giving up. The game is not over yet :-)

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  2. Sweet Tooth : Yani tak tahu mcm mana nak pujuk hati Sweet Tooth. Cuba letak diri dalam situasi SweetTooth, tapi tak sama rasanya. Yani cuma mampu doakan Sweet Tooth yakin pada kekuasaanNya. In shaa Allah, In shaa Allah...In shaa Allah!

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    1. InshaAllah yani, i masih berharap walau sekecil manapun peluangnya...sebab tak de yg mustahil bagi Allah.

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  3. Salam sweet tooth..saya pulak yang terasa air mata ni dah bergenang bila baca entri awak kali ni..bertabahlah & kuatkan semangat dear..I always pray the best for you...aamiin.

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    1. TQ butterfly, im in better shape today. InshaAllah, i bukan org yg cepat putus asa. Cuma rasa sedih tu x leh nk elak.

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  4. sweet,

    jgn nangis2 lagi yer.....sebagai TTC saya faham perasaan sweet..berat mata memandang berat lagi bahu yang memikul.......semoga kita sama2 kuat mengharungi dugaan yang besar ini

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    1. Oh... I need the cry anna. It makes me feel better after i get it out. InshaAllah, i selalu doa supaya diberi kekuatan jika benar ini ujianNya. It will take some time anna for the heart to heal completely.

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    2. ada hikmah tersembunyi yg kita tak nampak..insya allah dear....masanya akan tiba......

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  5. Saya juga doakan yang terbaik untuk Sweet tooth.. Allah pasti akan beri kita yang terbaik.. Take care yourself dear..

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  6. sweet tooth,

    *hugs ketat-ketat*

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    1. Thanks Ai, it is comforting to have support all around me :-)

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  7. hang in there dear... yeah i feel guilty and kesian kat my hubby jugak.... It's not our time yet dear... sabar k... insyaallah....

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    1. InshaAllah, rezeki dlm pelbagai bentuk. Allah Knows better kan...

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  8. U memang kuat dear. Ya Allah, tolonglah makbulkan doa sahabatku ini.

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  9. Nina sayang!aku sentiasa berdoa utk ko..,insya Allah..tiada yang mustahil dengan izinNya,bersyukurlah dan bersangka baiklah dengan ketentuanNya, Dia hampir dan Maha Hampir terutamanya dengan hambaNya yang tidak pernah putus berharap dan berdoa..

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    1. Aku sentiasa mencari hikmah tersembunyi zah... Aku tahu Allah sygkn aku. Sbb tu dia bg ujian ni. Dan Dia tahu aku mampu menanggungnya.

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  10. betul!spjg aku kenal ko..ko antara insan terkuat pernah aku rapat dan aku yakin ko tak pernah putus asa..

    Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan sahabatku Nina, makbulkan doanya dan doa keluarganya, dorongkan redha dan kekuatan utk mereka..amiin

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  11. InsyaAllah.. pasti ade hikmah di sebaliknya.. saya masa failed IUI pun dah sedih sgt2).. inikan pula IVF.. Semoga Allah berikan kekuatan buat awak..

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    1. Tq sizuka :-) inshaAllah... Banyak hikmahnya ni...

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  12. sweet
    rase sedih nya bila baca, tak dpt bayangkan klu ade dlm situasi sweet..
    yup, smuanya ada hikmahnya kan.. sweet bertuah sbb ada suami yang memahami keadaan.. mungkin ini yang mnguatkan kasih sayang suami isteri :)
    semoga tabah hadapi smua ni n
    semoga berjaya untuk next treatment... :)

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    1. Tq sue... Betul, lebih bnyk ujian, lebih erat hubungan :-)

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  13. Salam..dear sweet tooth..sy terikut sama sedih bila baca entry awak ni..

    Yes..definitely boleh faham sgt perasaan awak..tp awak kuat ok..betul..bila dh berusaha hingga ke tahap awak sekarang ni..awak mmg deserve utk dpt apa yg awak hajatkan..tapi bila tiada rezeki, harap kita redha..sungguh2 redha

    InsyaAllah..moga Allah makbulkan doa kita..amin..

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    1. InshaAllah... Ujian Allah untuk mendidik diri. Smg kita sama2 bleh perbaiki diri :-)

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  14. nina,berat mata memandang,berat lg bahu memikul.as much i want to hear the good news, i really u dont stress urslef.insha allah,behind every cloud,there's a very pretty rainbow waiting for u. may allah give u all the sabr n remember that his rahmah is always with u>tears & hug for u

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    1. TQ Aida, InshaAllah, mesti ada hikmah... Lagipun besar ganjaran bila bersabar atas ujian kan...

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  15. sedihnya..saya pun pernah alami perasaan yg sama..memula igt nak bertenang..dok diam sorg2..tp kalah jugak dgn air mata..nasib ada hasben yg setia disisi bagi moral support..

    kita kena kuat kan..Allah takkan uji seseorg diluar kemampuan..

    semoga usaha kita berjaya..kamu x keseorangan tau..Allah kan ada.. :)

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    1. Betul axa, terima kasih ingatkn i :-) biasa la pompuan, cepat kalah ngan emosi. Tapi air mata pun anugerah Allah kan... Kalo x de air mata,mesti susah kita nk luahkn perasaan.

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  16. I tumpang sedih. But i know u are strong my dear. U have been thru all this bukan setahun dua. In fact lagi lama dari I. It's ok to cry. It's normal utk rasa kecewa. Let it out. Later kumpul balik smgt u and keep on trying. I hope I kuat macam u. Thanks for sharing your ttc journey dlm blog :)

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    1. I beruntung sebab my support system sgt kukuh, including kawan2 TTC. Hopefully my sharing would benefited others. Thanks for reading my blog yaya :-)

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  17. sweet...kire awal tahun ni la kan awak proceed 2nd ivf ni kan...

    ly doakan sweet n husband cepat2 dikurniakan zuriat...amiin :')

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    1. Ya lily, terima kasih atas doa, i pun doakan yg sama for u :-)

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