Orang kata, pengalaman mematangkan pemikiran. Tapi x de sapa pun bgtau yg walau berapa banyak pun pengalaman yg ada, rasa sakit and sedih tu sama je.... tak berkurang...cuma mungkin sbb semakin matang, dapat diterima juga walau masih diiring dengan esak dan tangis.
I went for blood test yesterday and it came back negative.
This time around, lepas dpt the phone call, i just sit down. Hubby was sitting next to me. And when he asked i just said x pregnant, embryo tak lekat. Then i senyap. Everything sinked in. I was trying to control my emotion. Little by little, my tears start turun. All this while i x ckp sepatah pun. Cuma nafas turun naik menahan tangis. Until my hubby hug me, baru lah i meraung. Oh God... tewas jugak i ngan my emotion. My hubby said its ok, rezeki Allah yg tentukan... Bukan rezeki kita kali ni. I just cry and cry and cry.
But this time around, i don't need 2 hours before i stop crying. Entah... setengah jam je kot. Lps nangis mcm org gila tu, i dah boleh control myself. Semakin tenang and dah boleh berfikir rasional. I asked my hubby does he want to try again? He said, up to me. If i want to, we can try again.
All the while i was crying, i forgot to think how does he feel. He must be devastated too. Yet, he is still composed and comforting me... He is indeed my rock. I don't know what would i do without him. Thank you abang... for being such understanding hubby, for being my strength, when i don't have any left. Kadang tu i pikir, kesiannya my hubby dpt wife yg x bleh bear children for him. I tempted to say i'm sorry to him. The guilt is eating me. Then he said to me he love me. And all the doubt is gone. I know how lucky i'm to have such a hubby. Thank you Allah...
Today, i'm getting better. Cuma lps solat n masa berdoa je i nangis... hoping there would be miracle from Allah, and hoping He would answer our prayers. I still keep on progesterone support until nxt blood test to confirm the negative beta. And my hubby still pampered me like i'm still carying his precious emby. I still treat myself like i'm a preggy lady. There is still hope, eventhough hanya sebesar lubang jarum. I know Allah Hears our prayers. And He has a Grand plan for me. I just hope i know what it is...
We are still in the game. Until it is totally over. In the meantime all I can do is pray and pray harder. Its all in His hand now... Oh Allah, grant us a little miracle...Amin.