7 May - after negative blood test result, doc asked me to come to the clinic for second test. The bleeding hasn't stop since last friday (4th May). Though it was still small spotting, it was fresh blood.
Doc asked me how i feel. I just said 'i'm ok. It just feel that i'm going to have a period soon'. But according to her, my spotting was too early to be called period spotting. She asked to scan me just to confirm what was happening inside.
Once the probe was inside me, there they are...the 2embryos that were placed inside my uterus. I can see it clearly. Just a tiny 2 little dot which according to doc look like 2 baby sac. The doc said looking at the embryos, it seems like i am pregnant. I was speechless. She move the probe to get different view of the embies and still came to the same conclusion. She asked me to take another blood test just to confirm and i need to take progesteron injection just in case i was pregnant. Mind u, the injection hurt like h**** coz it was oil base.
I drove home with a tiny little hope, but a little cautious coz i can feel that i was not pregnant at all. I loose all the symptom already. And as u know, the rest is history. During that day when i wrote about the 2nd negative blood test result, i still can't bear to tell you my dear readers what i've seen and experience that day. Seeing the 2 embies, just made it so real and i can't bear to think about the lost at that time. I just want to move on with my life. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking 'what could have been' should both of the embies implanted. In the end, i just accept it as it is. My time has yet to come and Allah do have other plan for me.
The next day, after a confirm negative urine test (doc asked me to take urine test just to triple confirm) i stop all progesteron support. And later the blood flow increased and i had a bad cramp during the period.
It seems just like yesterday it had happend. Last monday, again went to see my doc, just to check my overall condition. Alhamdulillah, everything is ok. Insya Allah, we will try for 2nd round fresh ivf cycle after Raya. Hopefully this time around the result would be positive :-)
Dietician Dawn Jackson Blatner doesn't believe in will power, she believes in environmental control. She says you need to make your environment -- your home and your office -- work for you, as opposed to working against you. Make your home your safe haven where you can make healthy choices automatically, without fighting it every step of the way.
Here are Dawn's top three tips for organizing your home to be your partner in your weight loss program.
1. Don't Enter Through the Kitchen
The more time spent in the kitchen, the more likely you’ll be eating. Enter your home through the front door, not the kitchen door. When you walk through the kitchen, you’re more likely to snack. By going through the front door you will have time to de-stress and regroup, before letting your hunger or stress from the day take hold of you and make you immediately grab for a snack.
2. Paint It Blue
When you think about fast food restaurants colors, bright yellows and oranges often come to mind. These are manufactured colors to get you to eat a lot and eat quickly. Instead, paint your kitchen a light blue or green. These are more relaxing and will help you to eat less. Dawn says that when a person slows down and realizes what they’re eating, they often eat 200 calories less a day.
3. Turn Off the TV
When you eat meals in front of the TV, you associate food with television. This means, every time you watch TV, even when you’re not hungry, your brain tells you to eat. Like Pavlovian dogs, you have been trained to pair food and TV together. Watch TV without eating, and over time, it’s miraculous — you’ll be less likely to be triggered to eat.
16 Mei ialah sambutan hari guru di Malaysia (kenapa skolah x cuti eh??). I would like to wish all teachers 'Happy Teachers Day'. Hanya Allah yang dapat membalas jasa guru2 dalam mendidik anak bangsa. Besar jasa guru kan... Banyak pengorbanan guru2 ni, terutama cikgu2 sekarang... I think the job to educate a human is more challenging nowadays as compared to years before. Mana nak handle tugas mengajar, mana nak handle students, mana nak handle aktiviti sekolah, mana nak handle mak bapak students.... susah.... as such, i salute u cikgu :-)
Banyak2 cikgu, sapa cikgu yang paling anda ingat? Saya ingat pada cikgu math saya di tingkatan 2. Saya x berapa pandai math... so naturally, it was not my fav subject. Masa tingkatan 2, saya aktif bersukan. Di sebabkan kepenatan, saya selalu x buat homework. Cikgu math ni garang gila... semua student takut dengan dia. Termasuklah saya. Selalunya, kalau saya x sempat buat homework, saya akan tiru jawapan kawan saya yang pandai math. Heheheheh.... (ya... i was that lazy n bad example). Cuma pada satu hari tu, x sempat saya nk meniru... ramai jugak kawan2 sekelas yang x siapkan kerja rumah. Hasilnya, kami didenda 'jalan itik' satu blok sekolah (dari hujung ke hujung dan pusing balik -kelas kami di hujung blok sekolah).
Waaaa!!!!! Malunya saya waktu tu... dah la saya salah seorang pengawas sekolah, dan kami pelajar kelas pertama bagi tingkatan 2. Kena pulak jalan itik melalui kelas2 yang hujung... malu gila weh! Hehhehe...tapi padan la dengan muka saya kan? Malam tu, kami semua sakit kaki. Heheheh...
Banyak lagi kenangan zaman persekolahan dulu. Mmg saya sgt berterima kasih pada cikgu2 saya. Mereka adalah antara penyebab yang membolehkan saya menjadi saya seperti hari ini.
Yup... it's second day already. Time seems to fly these days... (ye ker? Bukan asik dok tgk jam ke smalam pikir bila nk abis waktu keje ni? Hehhehehe). So far, x banyak lg kerjanya...still doing catch up of things that happend during 3 weeks of my leave. This week schedule still empty, except for 2 meetings. I'm sure there'll be more meetings later.
I was worried to come back to office.Worried about what my reaction would be when my friends would ask me how was the ivf going on... I was afraid that i would not be strong enough and just crumble apart when being asked such question. But alhamdulillah... seems like i can avoid being emotional and just anser the question honestly with smile. Belum ada rezeki lagi... that what was i said.
An encouragement through e-mail received frm my very best friend had given me the strength to get up and move on. I really like the quotes. It was frm Ustaz Don FB msg. Here it goes;
'Allah tidak pernah menjanjikan bahawa langit itu selalu biru, bunga selalu mekar dan mentari selalu bersinar. Tapi ketahuilah... Dia selalu memberi pelangi di setiap badai, senyum di setiap air mata dan jawapan di setiap doa'
Baru lepas menonton perlawanan hoki remaja asia. Sungguh suspense.... siap terjerit-jerit sbb teruja sgt tengok the match. Tahniah buat pasukan hoki remaja Malaysia yang berjaya menentang Pakistan dan menjuarai perlawanan ini. Hmmm.. tetiba teringat waktu main hoki zaman skolah2 dulu... hehehe.... yang pastinya pasukan kami memang 'star' la masa tu... hehehe... bestnya zaman skolah dulu...
Anyway, hari ni last berehat sepuas ati kat umah. Starting tomorrow i'm back to office (Sigh...) Wish me luck!
p/s: Huwaaaa.... apsal rasa malas nk keje ni?? bestnya dok umah...
Feeling much better already (as compared to last Friday). But still coping slowly... Still can't talk about it openly and without a heartache or tears. But I can smile & laugh when see funny things/jokes on TV. I can joke around with my hubby. The heart is healing.... slowly.
We went to Jusco yesterday... (retail theraphy?? heheheh) Feel so good that I can walk around without the need to be cautious. Hubby wants to buy some clothes and i pun tumpang sekaki beli kasut (kasut kerja i dah nak tercabut tapak...).
I have been off from cooking since after the OPU until now. Since this morning doc had confirmed that my beta HCG is still negative, I think its time to start living my life 'normally' (I'll miss being pampered and get to rest all day long... hehehehe) :-P But I'm still contemplating whether want to go to work or not tomorrow.... Hmmmm....
Thank you for all the motivation & support that you left in my previous entry. Sangat-sangat terharu and it feel so good to have buddies that support me through the agony and pain. Thank you so much... i really appreciate it. Take care :-)
I have been spotting for the past 3 days. Just a brownish spotting. Spotting... then totally gone. Spotting, then totally gone again. Spotting, then totally gone. Worried... yes I was worried. But as much as I can, I tried to stay positive and pray harder.
This morning, I went for my Beta HCG blood test. I just keep positive thought. Deep down inside, I feel that I would have positive result. I pray harder to Allah...hoping that my TTC journey could end today.
1 pm - It was no more brownish spotting. It was fresh red blood and it was a stain. I keep on praying...
3.30 pm - Msg from my Doc. The test came back negative. The embies was not implanting.
I feel the world was silent for a moment. I was trying to gain my composure and try to face the news bravely. I keep telling myself, be strong... it is not the end of the world. I went upstairs to tell my hubby about the news. And when I saw his face, all the hell break loose. I just cry and cry and cry. I can't even convey the Doc's msg to him. But he understood... He knew why I was crying...
"It's okay... belum rezeki kita lagi. Tak pe... kita boleh cuba lagi nanti... Sabar ye..." he said while hugging me tightly. But i just can't stop crying... Now I understand how emotional the IVF process was when you are not successful. I feel like all my hopes was crushed and I don't even have anything to brace the impact. It strike through my heart and numb my soul.
I was crying in my hubby's arm for 2 hours, before I can calm myself (Even now, thinking about it would make my tears drop non stop. Caner nak berenti nangis ni???). Perhaps the wound still raw. Perhaps over time I would come to term and get stronger. I know this would be past behind me. I know I can survive this lost. I know I can try again. I know Allah would not test me with something that I can't bear with. I know Allah has a better plan for me. But still, the tears can't seem to stop.
For now, I just want to wallow in my sadness and cry my eyes out. Just for tonight.
p/s: Dear readers, thank you for all your support and prayers all these while. Hope you'll pray for my strength to put this all behind soon. TQ