I have been spotting for the past 3 days. Just a brownish spotting. Spotting... then totally gone. Spotting, then totally gone again. Spotting, then totally gone. Worried... yes I was worried. But as much as I can, I tried to stay positive and pray harder.
This morning, I went for my Beta HCG blood test. I just keep positive thought. Deep down inside, I feel that I would have positive result. I pray harder to Allah...hoping that my TTC journey could end today.
1 pm - It was no more brownish spotting. It was fresh red blood and it was a stain. I keep on praying...
3.30 pm - Msg from my Doc. The test came back negative. The embies was not implanting.
I feel the world was silent for a moment. I was trying to gain my composure and try to face the news bravely. I keep telling myself, be strong... it is not the end of the world. I went upstairs to tell my hubby about the news. And when I saw his face, all the hell break loose. I just cry and cry and cry. I can't even convey the Doc's msg to him. But he understood... He knew why I was crying...
"It's okay... belum rezeki kita lagi. Tak pe... kita boleh cuba lagi nanti... Sabar ye..." he said while hugging me tightly. But i just can't stop crying... Now I understand how emotional the IVF process was when you are not successful. I feel like all my hopes was crushed and I don't even have anything to brace the impact. It strike through my heart and numb my soul.
I was crying in my hubby's arm for 2 hours, before I can calm myself (Even now, thinking about it would make my tears drop non stop. Caner nak berenti nangis ni???). Perhaps the wound still raw. Perhaps over time I would come to term and get stronger. I know this would be past behind me. I know I can survive this lost. I know I can try again. I know Allah would not test me with something that I can't bear with. I know Allah has a better plan for me. But still, the tears can't seem to stop.
For now, I just want to wallow in my sadness and cry my eyes out. Just for tonight.
p/s: Dear readers, thank you for all your support and prayers all these while. Hope you'll pray for my strength to put this all behind soon. TQ