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Friday, May 04, 2012

The Broken Heart.

I have been spotting for the past 3 days. Just a brownish spotting. Spotting... then totally gone. Spotting, then totally gone again. Spotting, then totally gone. Worried... yes I was worried. But as much as I can, I tried to stay positive and pray harder.

This morning, I went for my Beta HCG blood test. I just keep positive thought. Deep down inside, I feel that I would have positive result. I pray harder to Allah...hoping that my TTC journey could end today.

1 pm - It was no more brownish spotting. It was fresh red blood and it was a stain. I keep on praying...

3.30 pm - Msg from my Doc. The test came back negative. The embies was not implanting.

I feel the world was silent for a moment. I was trying to gain my composure and try to face the news bravely. I keep telling myself, be strong... it is not the end of the world. I went upstairs to tell my hubby about the news. And when I saw his face, all the hell break loose. I just cry and cry and cry. I can't even convey the Doc's msg to him. But he understood... He  knew why I was crying...

"It's okay... belum rezeki kita lagi. Tak pe... kita boleh cuba lagi nanti... Sabar ye..." he said while hugging me tightly. But i just can't stop crying... Now I understand how emotional the IVF process was when you are not successful. I feel like all my hopes was crushed and I don't even have anything to brace the impact. It strike through my heart and numb my soul.

I was crying in my hubby's arm for 2 hours, before I can calm myself (Even now, thinking about it would make my tears drop non stop. Caner nak berenti nangis ni???). Perhaps the wound still raw. Perhaps over time I would come to term and get stronger.  I know this would be past behind me. I know I can survive this lost. I know I can try again. I know Allah would not test me with something that I can't bear with. I know Allah has a better plan for me. But still, the tears can't seem to stop.

 For now, I just want to wallow in my sadness and cry my eyes out. Just for tonight.

p/s: Dear readers, thank you for all your support and prayers all these while. Hope you'll pray for my strength to put this all behind soon. TQ

21 comments:

  1. dear... do not worry... there is always a reason for it... I learnt it after 12 years of trying. the day i got to know i was pregnant was the day i realised all the reasons y Allah granted my wish late... and the day i gave birth to my SRK made me even more grateful even though it was the day i buried my father. Insya Allah.... u will have yours 1 day. Amiin

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  2. k nina.... Sarah pun rasa sedih sgt....hilang anak mmg pedih tp ALLAH menguji pd yg thn untuk diuji.. Allah menguji pada yg dia sayang... Jgn putus harap, try lg... Sarah diakan sukses next time..cerita dr blog ni bg byk pengajaran buat sarah appreciate kehadiran anak2...

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  3. Dear

    Be strong, i know its hard. Ive been through the same pain. Tentu sekali susah nak gambarkan kesedihan sebenar kan, cuma hati masing masing akan faham kesakitan itu. Menangis lah sepuasnya klu itu akan membuatkan kita rasa lega dari terseksa. Hanya Allah yang tahu, dan Allah yang berhak untuk semuanya. Jangan henti berdoa, and i know u wont give up :)

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  4. Salam

    Allah sedang memandangmu dengan penuh kasih sayang..

    Berkat usaha dan kesabaranmu, Allah pasti membalas dengan pahala dan kasih sayangNya.

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  5. Anonymous4:29 pm

    Be strong don't ever give up ya...

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  6. Anonymous4:30 pm

    Don't ever give up...

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  7. be strong...
    nangis la sepuasnya..mengadulah pada Allah yg maha Esa dan tahu sekalian di langit dan di bumi. berilah ruamg pada diri ini lagi...

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  8. Kak, it might be the best thing that He has in store for u right now. Dont stop believing, one fine day, miracle will happen. Sesungguhnya Allah tidak pernah memungkiri janji.

    Hang in there sis. I know u are one strong soul ;)

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  9. Sabar ye sis.. :'(
    menangis lah..moga airmata itu untuk redakan rasa di hati...redhalah dengan ketentuan ini.. K doakan sis akan peroleh kekuatan untuk hadapinya.. Insya'Allah... berkat kesabaran sis Allah SWT akan balas dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik kelak..
    dah reda rasa tu nnt bangkitlah semula dan teruslah berusaha.. Jgn putus asa ye?
    Doa K tak pernah putus untuk diri sendiri dan juga untuk semua TTC yang lain... Semoga Allah SWT makbulkan doa2 kita suaatu hari nnt.. aminnnn~~

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  10. ST..
    be strong k
    i can feel you.
    harap ST tabah.
    sy sentiasa doakan yg terbaik utk ST + hubby
    insyaAllah...akan sampai rezeki tu.

    jgn putus asa.

    *hugs*

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  11. Be strong ok dear,
    I feel u....
    Just keep the faith

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  12. Dear Sweeth Tooth,

    I dont wanna say "Dont be sad, dont cry or whats not". We are a woman and tears is pur bestfriend..Tears is our strength too, kan?Particularly when we are in the same shoes so I cannot say "Don't cry", since crying is the best way we can express our emotion..

    I cannot say "dont be sad" because thinking about that can simply make our heart so fragile..

    Cry whenever you want, u'll be okay in the end of the path..

    InnaAllaha Ma'ana..InsyaAllah

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  13. salam akak...

    dh lme x menulis sesuatu di ruangan ini..
    tp sy xpenah lupa utk baca blog akak..
    akak, be strong ya...setiap apa yg berlaku, pasti ada hikmahnya...

    hugggssss....tc ye sis...

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  14. Babe,

    Cry. Please do. Samada teresak-esak or bawling, it is up to you. How many days? Up to you also.

    Only then, wake up with stronger heart, with figther determination. We TTCians will be there for you and others eventhough we never met.

    Take care. XXOO

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  15. hugs*** can't say much..deeply sad too. but I believe InsyaAllah..belum ada rezeki..and Allah will granted ur doa oneday

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  16. Semoga awak tabah..keep praying, insyAllah, suatu hari nanti doamu akan dimakbulkan...

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  17. Dear,

    Jika sy ditmpt u, i pun akan menangis sepuas hati. Tahu betapa sedihnya dgn satu pengharapan yang besar. Tetapi kita tiada kuasa dan upaya utk memastikan apa yang kita inginkan itu terjadi. Hanya Allah yang lebih mengetahui.

    Bersabarlah, moga dgn bersabar kita beroleh kebaikan.

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  18. Anonymous6:32 pm

    Assalamualaikum..Insyallah there's a reason for everything. Allah is the best planner. Let me share something, after 13 years of marriage with no kids my hubby and I decided to adopt a baby boy. He is the apple of our eyes, I love him so much. Then a year later we adopt a baby girl and now we feel so blessed Alhamdulillah and our little family is complete. All those years we spent alone together I never even cried when the doctor said we'll never have a child of our own. I accepted what Allah has plan for me. Now my son is 3 yrs old and my daughter is 2 years old and people think they're twins:) I once said to my husband that I'm glad we don't have our own kids, otherwise we would never meet these precious children...truly a mixed blessings

    Ummi

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  19. salam dear,
    first of all, saya mmg tak kenal u..saya hanya dpt link ur blog from ur sister kut dlm forum kat FB...same like u, saya juga seorang wanita yg sudah 7 tahun kawin dan masih lagi belum dikurniakan dengan rezeki anak..we tried a few times, dengan pelbagai prosedur, tinggal tak buat ivf lagi becoz the last time dapat result yg negatif, i cannot take it...i cried in the hospital itself...nangis sbb mase tuh pegi sorang2, my hubby tak dpt ikut sebab keja...n the day before that, kitorg pegi cek kat klinik biasa, the doctor kat ade 2 lines but kabur...so , doctor suruh pegi cek again kat hosp suruh scan...tp,rupanya false result n belum ade rezeki lagi till today n that was 3 years ago..but then, Allah gave me anugerah anak melalui cara lain iaitu anak angkat..it juz happened so fast,the day my precious daughter lahir, i terus dpt pegang dia..n from that day , i learned how to be a mother..n one thing i realised after 2 years, i am not a good mother sebenarnya, i selalu tak tahan sabar, selalu marah2, n ade time i terpukul dia sebab geram. but then i realised Allah hantar my daughter juz to see whether i ni capable enough to be a nother or not. which i sendiri admit, i ni ade terlalu banyak kekurangan sebagai seorang ibu.Allah buat sesuatu mesti ade reason dan hikmahnya yg kita sendiri tak tau..i cried when i read ur post ni, becoz i can feel it too..so for you n also for me, kita teruskan usaha and doa... Allah knows what is the best for us..

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  20. Salam kak..
    i saw your blog link kat fb, saje klik....and hiba rasenye bace kisah u....be strong k, Allah uji seseorang sesuai dgn kekuatannye...always, always be positive ek...
    Kalau berminat nak teroka holistic approach i.e. Terapi Mifiro, let me know...coz i've friend yg buat dan syukur dimurahkan rezeki dapat baby...take care

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  21. Salam ST...

    Saya penah rs kesedihan yg amat sgt ms failed iui utk kali pertama, rs mc dunia gelap,kejam,stop...kenapa aku? kenapa jd mcm ni ??
    I menangis sepuasnya,bukan menangis tp meraung2...bila sekali saya tersedar,yg saya x layak utk sedih pun sbb ini ketentuan Allah,xkan saya nak marahkan Allah,nauzzubillah...
    Saya dekatkan diri padaNya,setiap kali solat saya menangis,hiba...tp ada perkara yg berlaku di sekeliling saya buat saya sedar,xde anak x bermakna kita x hepi,we happy just the way we are...
    Sesungguhnya saya faham yg Allah beri apa yg kita perlukan bukan
    apa yg kita nak..
    U can cry dear but dont too long....**HUGSS***

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