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Saturday, March 30, 2013

Game Over

Tengah siap2 nk solat maghrib.... ops.... owh... AF has shown herself.

Officially CD 1. Game over. Life must goes on.

To schedule visit to gynea on CD 3 n discuss new strategy (huhuhuhu....mcm nk berperang je...).

p/s: pecah rekod satu hari 2 entry.... mmmm....rasa mcm nk 'retail theraphy' la... huhuhu.....

Blood Test

This entry is for my future reference....

Next time if u should ever need to do beta hcg blood test following ivf procedure, pls request 2 sets of blood test form. By doing this, you don't have to wait for the nurse to inform your doctor for the form and resulting in more and more waiting.

Once u got the form, u don't even have to go to doctor's clinic. You can pay directly at the lab, after the blood is withdrawn.

Believe me...u'll save a lot of your time :-)

Friday, March 29, 2013

Hospital Trip

Nop... bukan i yg masuk spital. My Bro in law. Doctor suspect ada batu dlm hempedu. Ni tgh melawat dia la ni. Lambat gak doctor spital nih...namo je swasta... Pg tadi buat endoskopi, sampai ke petang nih belum tahu result lagik.

Apa pun, doakn semua bjalan lncar... my BIL muda lagi... baru 26 tahun gitu...

i swear selimut tu color purple. X tau apsal color biru plak dlm nih.... huhuhuhu... baru nk kata 'sapa la interior designer hospital ni...langsir kuning, selimut purple...' huhuhuhuu....

till then...have a blast weekend everyone :-)

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The second time...

Orang kata, pengalaman mematangkan pemikiran. Tapi x de sapa pun bgtau yg walau berapa banyak pun pengalaman yg ada, rasa sakit and sedih tu sama je.... tak berkurang...cuma mungkin sbb semakin matang, dapat diterima juga walau masih diiring dengan esak dan tangis.

I went for blood test yesterday and it came back negative.

This time around, lepas dpt the phone call, i just sit down. Hubby was sitting next to me. And when he asked i just said x pregnant, embryo tak lekat. Then i senyap. Everything sinked in. I was trying to control my emotion. Little by little, my tears start turun. All this while i x ckp sepatah pun. Cuma nafas turun naik menahan tangis. Until my hubby hug me, baru lah i meraung. Oh God... tewas jugak i ngan my emotion. My hubby said its ok, rezeki Allah yg tentukan... Bukan rezeki kita kali ni. I just cry and cry and cry.

But this time around, i don't need 2 hours before i stop crying. Entah... setengah jam je kot. Lps nangis mcm org gila tu, i dah boleh control myself. Semakin tenang and dah boleh berfikir rasional. I asked my hubby does he want to try again? He said, up to me. If i want to, we can try again.

All the while i was crying, i forgot to think how does he feel. He must be devastated too. Yet, he is still composed and comforting me... He is indeed my rock. I don't know what would i do without him. Thank you abang... for being such understanding hubby, for being my strength, when i don't have any left. Kadang tu i pikir, kesiannya my hubby dpt wife yg x bleh bear children for him. I tempted to say i'm sorry to him. The guilt is eating me. Then he said to me he love me. And all the doubt is gone. I know how lucky i'm to have such a hubby. Thank you Allah...

Today, i'm getting better. Cuma lps solat n masa berdoa je i nangis... hoping there would be miracle from Allah, and hoping He would answer our prayers. I still keep on progesterone support until nxt blood test to confirm the negative beta. And my hubby still pampered me like i'm still carying his precious emby. I still treat myself like i'm a preggy lady. There is still hope, eventhough hanya sebesar lubang jarum. I know Allah Hears our prayers. And He has a Grand plan for me. I just hope i know what it is...

We are still in the game. Until it is totally over. In the meantime all I can do is pray and pray harder. Its all in His hand now... Oh Allah, grant us a little miracle...Amin.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Random rambling...

Skang tgh pkol 4.01 am. Terbangun pkol 3.05 am tadik... nk terkucil. Ujan tengah lebat tadik. Siap petir guruh sumer... lps pi toilet, terus mata nih x leh lelap.... terkebil kebil bijik mata nih dlm gelap. Hubby syok je berdengkur kt sblh nih...

Ke sbb siang tadik puas tido eh? Aktiviti i sepanjang 2WW - tido. ye..... tido memenuhi separuh aktiviti harian i. Kadang tu bukan sengaja (eh?). Jadual pemakaian ubat i ye lah pkol 7.30 am, pkol 3.30 pm and last 11.30 pm. And since ubat tu kena pakai ikut 'bawah' (additional progesterone supplement) so haruslah i berbaring sekitar sejam dua lps memakai ubat tu... bila dah baring.... apa lagik... kompem la tidur kan.... huhuhuhu... (tapi dh banyak tido pun apsal x tambah cantik gak eh? Muahahahaha... beauty sleep.... get it? Lawak tak jadi...abaikan).

Selain dari tido, ye lah aktiviti surfing... of course la surf internet...takkn la surfing kt pantai kot kn... i blogwalking semua blog yg i follow, cuma x banyak tinggal jejak i.e komen. Sbb in addition to that, tgn ni sibuk dok google semua benda tentang 2WW reading other people experience n comparing it with myself. Dari what happend after egg collection, to when is the earliest symptom can be felt. Huhuhu.... sungguh x dinasihatkn google benda2 ni coz u'll end up frustrating urself n making urself more confuse as to whether u r preggy or not. But google benda2 ni dh jadik mcm kemestian lak... walaupun i try restrain myself and x la google sekerap masa my 1st IVF dulu (and mostly i dah baca pun all those website tu...).

Another activity - tengok TV. tapi yg nih selalunya mlm la i nk conquer tv pun. Sbb siang i banyak tido, i kasik my DH yg turut cuti hampir sebulan utk temankn i tengok sport channel dia waktu nih. Eh... banyak sgt ke waktu i tido nih? My typical day after embryo transfer - 6.30 am, bangun solat subuh etc, sementara tunggu nk pakai ubat i main game tribez i (dah 4 pulau i), then pakai ubat n baring a.k.a tido sampai 9 am. Bangun, mandi, breakfast, surf internet blogwalking, tgk youtube dgr ceramah ke, tgk funny advert ke bergantung pada mood, pastu kompem tetido sampai tghari. Kalo terbangun, sambung main game or surf internet, mkn tenghari, solat zohor n pakai ubat 3.30 pm. Pastu sambung baring sampai asar sambil main game or surf internet n solat asar. Lps asar baring dpn tv lak tgk la tv sampai maghrib. Mandi, solat maghrib, solat isyak, dinner n baring dpn tv smpai pkol 11.30 pm. Pakai ubat, kalo x ngantuk sambung baring tgk tv, or masuk bilik baring smbil surf internet or terus tido.

Ha....at least for 3 days after embryo transfer mmg keje i dok baring je with my feet put up over a few pillows. Well, i ikut nasihat doctor yg suruh i relax je n baring so that my tubes pun in relax mode hence reduce risk of rhe water frm my hydrosalphinges mengalir ke rahim.

Hm... banyak plak entry nih...tadik mcm x de benda nk tulih. It's 4.36 am now. Hujan sambung balik nih...tadik dh berenti kejap. I pun nk try sambung tido. Till then,... have a blast tuesday everyone! :-)

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Yakin kah?

During this 2WW, i mencari hikmah di sebalik dugaan yang Allah beri. Berbekalkn kata kata mutiara seorang sahabat (u know who u r), i mula research internet on the topic that i need to understand.

Kata mutiara sahabat i "Kita percaya pada Allah, tapi kita x yakin dengan Dia".

Benarkah? Persoalan ini benar benar membuka mata dan hati i untuk bermuhasabah diri....

Rasa seperti satu tamparan hebat bilamana i menyedari sesuatu... Apabila usai berdoa, kadang2 terlintas di hati ini "Apakah Allah akan menerima doaku?"... Astaghfirullahalazim.... Ampuni aku ya Allah.... betapa berdosanya diri ini kerana tidak yakin Engkau akan menerima doaku...

Dari Abu Hurairah Radiallahuanhu, beliau mendengar Rasulullah S.A.W berkata : Bahawasanya Allah telah berfirman "Aku sesuai dengan persangkaan hamba pada Ku" (hadis qudsi).

Wahai diri yg hina ini, bersangka baiklah dengan Allah! Allah akan memberi ampun, jika keampunan yang kau pinta.... Allah akan beri kebahagiaan, jika bahagia yg kau inginkan... Jika kau ragu2 dan tidak yakin, bagaimana Allah mahu makbulkan doamu? Sedangkn iblis yg sudah tentu dilaknat ketika berdoa mahu dipanjangkn umur sehingga kiamat pun Allah perkenankan, apalagi doa kita hambanya yg sudah tentu disayangiNya, walaupun banyak dosa kita... Astaghfirullah.....ampuni aku ya Allah....

Sekadar perkongsian buat rakan2 semua, i suka nk share article dari iluvislam.com ini Termakbulkah Doaku

p/s: update on ivf progress - hanya satu embrio survived, itupun according to the embryologist pertumbuhannya sgt lambat dan masih belum menjadi blastocyst walaupun sudah hari ke 5 slps persenyawaan. Yang satu ini telah selamat dimasukkn semula ke dalam rahim. Hari khamis n jumaat i spotting... Wallahu a'lam...hanya Dia yg tahu apa keputusannya nanti. Sementara itu, i x putus putus berdoa dan tanamkan keyakinan pasti Allah akan mendengar doa i....Hanya kepada Nya i berserah. Alhamdulillah, hati ini lebih tenang...

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Doa dan Harapan

Untuk kesekian kalinya, hati ini tidak akan sama sekali merasa tenang sepanjang menunggu keputusan persenyawaan. Memang benar, penantian itu satu penyiksaan. And being in the unknown make you restless. On the other side of the coin, it also teaches you bagaimana sebenarnya rasa/keadaan bergantung harap hanya kepada Yang Maha Esa.

Mahu atau tidak, berhati-hati atau apa yg i gelarkn 'cautiously positive'; harapan menggunung itu tetap ada. I can't help it. Setiap kali berdoa padaNya, setiap kali itulah i berharap ada Ihsan dariNya memperkenankan doa i.

Honestly, this is a very emotional journey. Along the way, memang confirm there will be tears being shed and heart that might be broken. Am trying to be strong, and sometimes i wonder whether i will make it to the end.

Prayers, doa... itu sahaja yg i mampu lakukan bila dah sampai stage ni. Doa semoga ada embrio yang survive sehingga menjadi blastocyst, doa semoga semua blastocyst tu selamat dimasukkn semula ke dalam rahim. Doa semoga kemudian i akan preggy and all the baby(ies) selamat to term. Juga doa supaya diberi kekuatan walau apa pun hasilnya nanti... Doa....Doa...Doa... diiringi airmata dan harapan yg sangat tinggi.

Alhamdulillah... setakat ini laporan dari doktor masih ada 2 embrio yang survive. Walaupun sedikit kecewa, tapi i tahu i harus bersyukur kerana sekurang kurangnya masih ada embrio yang survive. I perlu terus berdoa, semoga kedua dua embrio ini akan terus berkembang baik dan survive.

Ketika menulis entry ini, perasaan i bercampur baur. Antara gembira kerana sekurang kurangnya i ada dua embrio yang masih survive, sedih risau dan kecewa kerana risiko untuk tidak mempunyai embrio untuk transfer ke dalam rahim semula sgt tinggi berikutan hanya dua embrio shj yg ada and anything can happend in 3 days, rasa betapa tingginya harapan i untuk embrio tu berkembang baik, rasa tidak tenang dengan segala kemungkinan yang boleh berlaku... semuanya berkecamuk and cloudy my mind. I shed my tears just now for whatever reason it was (really, i x tau kenapa i nangis...semua bercampur). Alhamdulillah.... hati ini menjadi tenang semula selepas menangis dan berdoa padaNya supaya diberi kekuatan untuk apa saja yg bakal terjadi.

I'm ok now, dear friends... really i am. Sekadar menulis untuk meluahkn perasaan dan sort out my feelings supaya hati ini akan lebih tenang setelah i get everything out of my chest.

Thank you for your support all this while. I become more stronger knowing that u are always here, reading my thoughts, giving me encouragement to go through this journey. Thank you :-) Pls pray for me...

Thursday, March 14, 2013

OPU

Short update. Ovum pick up yesterday. Doc yet to update anything. Will share later. skang ni dah kt umah, just berehat n tido, recuperating.... till then.

kat spital masa tgh tunggu nk masuk OT.

Saturday, March 09, 2013

My Friday: Dating, Macaroon & Got shot!

Hahaha...tajuk tak buleh blah.... No I tak kena tembak ya.... Sila baca cerita hari jumaat i sehingga habis...

Hari Jumaat, penghulu segala hari. During lunch hour, ada 'dating' ngan kawan baik i masa kat uni dulu. Lama gila tak jumpa dia. Rasanya last masa sebelum I transfer keje di Terengganu (that was tahun 2002). Kiranya dah lebih 10 tahun tak jumpa. How did we met again? Luckily she didn't change her phone number. It was he birthday last 4th March and I wished her birthday. Excited dah lama x jumpa, we set a date yesterday @ KLCC.

At the same time, I pun set date dgn akak yg supply ubat (nak kena amik additional dose). Since nak kena bawak cooler beg yg gabak tu, I malas la nak bawa handbag I. Siap letak wallet dalam beg plastik so that wallet i tak basah kena ice pack dlm cooler beg tu. Gerak ke KLCC, terus jumpa akak supplier tu. Time nak bayar.... OMG!!!!! Only ice pack dalam beg tu. I tertinggal wallet I kat opis (which is 4 station away from KLCC LRT station). Adoi.... Nasib baik la akak tu kata x pe...dia bagi no akaun and i masukkn je duit dlm akaun tu. Tima Kasih la kak...so sorry... x perasan caner bleh tinggal wallet i. I naik LRT pakai kad TnG, which i letak siap2 kat I punya staff card holder yg sangkut kat leher.

Hari ni dalam sejarah... pi KLCC x bawak wallet... x de IC and x de duit... rupanya, lepas i masukkan wallet i dalam beg plastik, i letak wallet tu atas meja and pi pantry opis untuk amik cooler beg and ice pack yang i simpan dalam peti sejuk opis. Pastu bleh i menonong je pi KLCC terus. Huhuhuhu...

Lps jumpa akak tu, i pi jumpa my fren. Seronok sgt! Ida masih x berubah...masih mcm dulu. Cuma anak dah 3 orang. Baru sebulan balik dari maternity leave. Banyak yg kami catch up. Masa jumpa2 dia, terus je i kata kat dia yg wallet i tertinggal kt opis. Dia gelak je... and said "x pe, aku bawak wallet". Hahahaha... Nasib baik la Ida ni kawan baik I. X de la malu sgt... Niat nak belanja dia makan, end up, dia yang belanja i. Tak pe Ida, next time dating, it will be on me ya :-) Thanks so much for the lunch and the dating. Seronok dapat jumpa ko after 10 years :-)

Ida also gave me macaroon. Dia kata teringat yg i ni 'sweet tooth'. Tu yg dia beli tu. Hahahaha... Terharu i...she still remember my preference...

Macaroon yg Ida bagi
Masa amik gambar ni, kat parking lot, nak balik umah dah... Sblum bertolak balik tu, rasa la yg color pink tu. Ya Allah...serious sedap gila!


On d way balik umah....nampak jalan jam tu.... Apa lagi....

Belasah makan semua macaroon tu... Hahahaha....X sempat tunggu sampai umah.

My verdict, mmg sedap gila! Even lagi sedap dari macaroon Harrods yg kat KLCC tu. Filling dia sgt lembut and berperisa. Seriously.... sodap! Ni mmg sinful punya food nih... (sgt manis!). Sampai umah, teguk air kosong banyak2....

Sapa2 yg teringin, kedainya ada kat Jalan Imbi. Bleh click kat sini and tgk website dia.

That night, around 10 pm, time to take the additional shot. Like i said yesterday, this shot is to prevent the eggs from being released naturally before OPU procedure.

That is how the needle look like. Eh...bukan yg kepala kuning tu....Yang tu hanya guna untuk amik ubat dari dalam botol. Bila nak inject, I tukar pada kepala yg lebih kecik. Yg jarum ni, lebih kecik dari kepala oren tu. So, setakat ni mmg jarum kepala oren tu je la yang sakit bila nak cucuk. Until now i still cuak bila nak take stim injection tu.

Lepas took this injection, baring2 tgk TV. Around 10.30 mlm I dah ngantuk gila...x larat angkat mata. Dah a few days back ngantuk awal ni... I slalu pkol 11.30 baru tido. May be because of all the drugs... badan i dah penat. So, ikutkn je la mata tu.... Naik katil...zzzzzz.....

So that was my friday. Ni dah weekend. Have a nice weekend everyone :-)

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Alhamdulillah...

Alhamdulillah.... I'm so thankful to Allah. When I think about my life, rasanya lagi banyak kesenangan yg I alami berbanding dengan kesusahan dan ujian. Terima Kasih Ya Allah!!!

Today went for follow up with doctor on my progress. Selalunya I'll opt for early morning check up. Datang seawal-awal pagi, letak kad appointment kat counter and pegi lepak2 sambil breakfast sampai pkol 8.30 am. Usually I would be the first or second person yang jumpa doctor bila i dtg awal2 pagi tu. However, since hospital dah ada new procedure, kena buat appointment at least 3 days earlier. And since I buat appointment lambat, I was advised to come on late morning so that I x perlu tunggu lama coz diorang can only retrieve my file when I came and register. Around 10 am kluar opis, sampai hospital dlm 10.15 am (opis n hospital dah dekat). But Innalillah... punya ramai orang and i dok pusing2 cari parking. I rasa dekat 3 kali I pusing tingkat B2 and B3 mencari parking. Hampir putus asa and nak stress dah... so i baca doa ni berulang kali:

Rabbi Yassir Wala Tu'assir Ya Karim

Alhamdulillah, tak lama lepas tu, dapat parking, dekat sangat dengan lif. Then, pi ke bilik doktor, berdoa supaya tak tunggu lama. Lagi sekali doa ini dipanjatkan. After waiting for 3 patient, dah sampai giliran I. Again alhamdulillah....

Doc scanned (TVS) my ovaries and we have identified around 5 potential eggs on my lefty and 2 on my right. Will continue to take the shot until next week. This is to let my righty to catch up with lefty. Hopefully by the OPU time, my righty would do me proud :-) Starting tomorrow night tambah satu lagi shot untuk menghalang telur dari mature. Terima Kasih ya Allah... kerana memudahkan urusanku.

Next appointment would be next monday. To confirm the OPU date. 

Rabbi Yassir Wala Tu'assir Ya Karim

p/s: Tengah merancang aktiviti untuk 2WW. Any idea? Pls do share yer :-)

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

What is your rapper name?


Sure enough, nk jadi rapper mesti ada nama yg hebat and 'kaboom' kan... There is a website that would suggest your rapper name. Out of curiosity, i tried mine. My rapper name name is.....

Double Sweet a.k.a Dizzy Silk


Muahahahaha..... so funny! So try out yours and tell me your rapper name :-)

p/s: teringat zaman2 KRU, 4U2C, Feminin.... huhuhuhu....

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Here We Go... (Again!)

Thursday night, 28/2, the much awaited AF came. Yeyy!!! At last... I couldn't sleep that night. Can't remember bila I dozzed off. Tau2 dah pagi... Siap2 pegi keje (gi meeting actually the whole day kat hotel corus... x masuk opis pun). Can't concentrate to whatever things they discussed. My mind was already somewhere else.

Well... that is my problem. When I had something in mind, I can't focus on other things.

In the afternoon, call my doc and get her instruction... and today at CD 4, I started my stim drugs! (huhuhuhu...sounds like drug addict je i nih... by the way, stim tu meaning stimulation yer... bukan 'stim' yg khayal tu!).

Ada brani mau cucuk?? Heheheh...
Sorry ladies, this time around I can't disclose what was the stim drug prescribed to me. But I bet some would know one of the drug already. heheheheh.... Anyway....I was instructed to take those 2 shots in the morning starting today until....well, until when the doc said stop la. And I can also tell you, the one in the small syringe (orange head tu...), hurt like **** (you can fill in the blanks with whatever word u like to choose). Perhaps because the needle is much larger in size (dah la besar, panjang pulak tu!). Or perhaps because this was the first shot after a year... I just hope it will get better in time. Alah bisa, tegal biasa kata org tu...

So... here we go again. I'm asking your prayer dear frens. Pls pray that this cycle would bring us the happy news that we've been waiting for 8 years. Amin...

P/s: Since I've started our 2nd IVF this cycle, I have to stop my 90 days challenge. So it is actually a 60 days challenge. To summarised:
I short 0.4 kilo to my target for 90 days. I still consider myself successful because I have lost 3.3 kilos in 60 days :-) Kudos me! (clap clap clap) X banyak, tapi its enough to motivate myself that I can do it better next time. Hopefully my buddies out there yang dlm mission turunkan berat badan akan lebih berjaya dari i. Teruskan usaha ya!




Friday, March 01, 2013

Share? Tak nak share?

To share or not to share?

I think that is a question that at least will bug TTCian once. Nak share ke tak nak tentang usaha TTC.... sama ada share dgn family member, kawan2, di blog atau ketika di ajukan soalan oleh sesiapa saja yg bertanya.

Some prefer to keep silent about their usaha on ttc. Even to the family member, apatah lagi kawan2. Perhaps they feel this is something that is very personal to them. Furthermore, the result of the treatment is uncertain.

Some others has no problem to share. I myself don't mind sharing about my treatment with my family members. Even dgn my MIL pun i share. To me, i suka nk include them so that they know what me n hubby rasai during the treatment. Lagipun, they can pray for us too. Kan doa ibu mustajab.

I pernah share my 1st IVF experience di blog ni. But now, i'm contemplating whether to share my 2nd IVF journey or not.... hmmmm.... tgk la nanti...

How about u? Share or not share your TTC jouney?